Interpersonal Edge: Use humor to break tension

Q: We often have stressful meetings. As a manager, I’d like to break the tension without invalidating the concerns. What do you teach your clients on how to calm down intense emotions during a meeting with humor while not being disrespectful?

A: There are several guidelines on using humor to break tension. As a manager, you want to walk a middle road of using humor without making fun of anyone or the genuine problems your team is facing.

Here are my top tips:

1) Forget about sarcasm. Sarcasm comes across as contemptuous.

2) Don’t make fun of anyone else, but you can poke fun at yourself.

3) Don’t use humor to say what you’re angry about.

4) Read the room because timing is everything.

5) Keep humor respectful of diversity or you’ll make an enemy rather than a joke.

Your personality is fair game to joke about. Think of humor as either Frasier (the show) who pokes fun at himself, or Seinfeld (the show) who makes fun of everyone else. Stick to Frasier’s humor. When we joke about our own experiences, we show vulnerability and connect with others. It also builds trust and rapport while lightening the mood.

Humor can also be useful during presentations. A surprising source of humor for presentations are the humorous stories and columns in Reader’s Digest. You can take any of the stories, personalize them, and make them part of your presentation.

Some physicians say that laughter is the best medicine. I’ll tell you as a consultant, laughter is the best way to get a group of people to learn something. If you tell a funny story, pick something with an educational take away.

For example, when I teach listening skills, I say in a conspiratorial tone that I have a secret to share. I then add, “When people talk, they have no idea what they just said so when you repeat it back, it’s the first time they heard it.” Everyone laughs because we can all relate to this experience. And my audience learns the importance of paraphrasing.

If your management has asked you to do the impossible, you might joke about your new “walk on water” project. Then ask about water skiing ideas. By using humor, you lower performance anxiety because you acknowledge walking on water is not possible, but water skiing might get you close.

People at work are often anxious about various topics. Studies show people cannot laugh and feel scared simultaneously. By seeking opportunities to use humor, you help your team gain perspective and be calmer. Your team will improve their productivity and decision making when they’re less scared.

People at work, under pressure, also feel isolated. They think that if they cannot pull rabbits out of hats, they will lose their reputation or job. Humor allows employees to see that most problems are not what I call “cardiac” moments. Few people will die or get fired because a team does not achieve perfection.

There are sociologists and comedians who have pointed out how tragedy and comedy have similar roots. By using humor effectively, you make yourself relatable, increase trust, and can shrink stressful situations down to less scary tasks to handle.

An anonymous but funny person said, “Laugh and the world laughs with you, cackle maniacally and people back away from you slowly.” My point is to use humor to find that middle ground, where people feel safer, not disrespected, and more connected.

The last word(s)

Q: Customers often criticize me at work. Is there a way to avoid criticism?

A: As Aristotle, the ancient Greek philosopher, said: “There’s only one way to avoid criticism: Do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.” If you want a rich career, take risks, learn from feedback, and lean into criticism.

Daneen Skube, Ph.D., is a Seattle-based executive coach, trainer, therapist and speaker, also appears as the FOX Channel’s “Workplace Guru” each Monday morning. She’s the author of Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything (Hay House, 2006). She can be reached at interpersonaledge@comcast.net

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