Interpersonal Edge: Differences between narcissism and loyalty
By Dr. Daneen Skube
Question: I have a long-term office friend I no longer trust. When I could help her professionally, she was always friendly. Now I’ve moved departments, and she’s giving me the cold shoulder. Why is she acting this way? What is my best response?
Answer: There are people who will only be friendly if they can use you. They reveal themselves because when the benefits stop so does their loyalty. People who are narcissistic can be charming if you can help them. Charm, however, isn’t a sign of loyalty.
Here are some red flags your office friend is using you:
1) They consistently shower you with flattery
2) They always agree with you
3) They are delighted when you do what they want
4) They devalue you when you frustrate their entitlements
Self-absorbed people will do something called “love bombing” when they first meet you. Love bombing is a firehose of flattery and compliments that appeal to your need for self-esteem. People secure in their value and identity find this behavior suspicious.
When a workplace friend doesn’t know you, yet constantly says you walk on water, be careful. Their flattery is a weapon to get you addicted to their praise. When you see a workplace friend behaving this way, slow down, and back up! They’re probably not your friend.
Narcissists look at others only as a resource. The Dalai Lama, spiritual leader of the Tibetan people, commented on this problem: “People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.”
You don’t need to fix that problem. You want to notice when someone loves things and uses people is trying to befriend you.
What you can do is see them, don’t trust them, and avoid them if possible. They are not friendship material in or out of the workplace.
You may be feeling betrayed or disappointed that your office “friend” has turned out to be a narcissist. In the school of hard knocks, you just finished the class entitled, “How to spot a Narcissist.” Even though you may feel victimized, you have learned an invaluable lesson.
Within your disappointment, you’ve also received a gift of discernment. You now will be able to see who is capable of loyalty and who will just use you.
The last word(s)
Question: My boss appears unaware that no one is following his directions. Is there a way a leader can notice when he’s not actually leading?
Answer: As John C. Maxwell, an American author and pastor, observed: “He that thinketh he leadeth and hath no one following him is only taking a walk.”
Your boss may take longer than you’d like to become aware that he is only taking a walk, but he’ll eventually notice that no one is behind him.
Daneen Skube, Ph.D., is an executive coach, trainer, therapist and speaker in Seattle and appears on FOX Channel’s “Workplace Guru” on Monday morning. She can be reached at interpersonaledge@comcast.net.
SD METRO Associate Editor Douglas Page interviewed Dr. Skube, can be watched on the magazine’s website, www.sandiegometro.com.
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